i wanna drown in light

drown in love

in likely lust of consciousness

cross-hatched

my eyes stare into a million miles

floating before me like religion before the hopeless

lead me

out of disparity

fill my ears with vibrations

so that i might sleep without ever missing a beat

so i could eat my soul out

and bask in complacent uselessness

Arithmetic

the world shifts with turning wrists

my vision is skewed

cast in blue

with shades of red and brazen eyes

i prefer it this way

inch by inch i feel myself twist

becoming larger and smaller

insignificant Gods

folding into and upon myself

i see your face

turning with every movement of my lips

and my hands that cradle something beautiful

i see you without seeing you at all

i believe in love

i believe in a lot of things

i believe in less

but i believe in love

and i believe in words

words are weapons; my tools

my children, my bastard children of reason

i have no reason

i have no logic

no lover to coo my quietly

remind me that i am in control

i want none of it

why settle for the logical deduction

when i can feed this corruption

of strict articulation

it's not normality i seek

it's enlightenment

to deepest caves on my convulsing soul

it's here that love lies

like layers of dirt beneath my nails

it's here i learn to love you

maddeningly

and without restraint

whoever you are

whoever you were

whoever you will become

i will love you

like Lucifer loved God

Stars are amorphous

Flying past in blurs of color and light

You put me up here

lonely

amongst the stars

fighting for every breath

fighting against these jets

strapped and hardwired to my chest

it's all confusion

your beauty is like watching the sun implode

i'm blinded

and then you're gone

so i'm flying past stars of my own affection

chasing light of your love

i don't know what planet of insanity

that your love is taking me to

but i can't help but wonder

will you be there when i land?

i'm burning down wicker towers of my affection

trying to bleed out the infection

yet i seem addicted to the disease

the pretty plague painting red portraits

like murals of frustration

all over my body

i hate the face of temptation

too beautiful to be real

i want to break it into pieces

lay this place to waste

grow my jungle here

exist in isolation outside my head

away from you

slit fingertips are healing

shit-faced and strung out

heavy on days without sleep

i'm an addict to the graves i'm digging

begging for more than what can be spoken

the sky's gone beyond colors

it's furious

mad like my livid eyes staring at the burning

bed upon which i lie you down

i want to hurt you

so i'm gonna love you

i'm gonna devour you

i'm gonna make you mine

and kiss your neck

and drain your life

and love you

and hate you

and kill you

Silent "go fuck yourself" to reflection

there is not ideal perfection

despite my predilection for this insanity

i am sickened by my vanity

to think i'm immune

from the parasite i planted within myself

i love you

i'm going to kill you

because you're killing me

c'mon and let it go

c'mon and let me in

c'mon and light me up

so i can burn like your sins

there are prices to be paid

pound for pound

i weigh my flesh to see if it's adequate

tis not

will never be

I am still your dragging warrior

Your burning dagger

Conversation

This is an actual conversation I just had. My friend asked that i submit it into tatler. I'm instead putting it up here.

18:38Gabriel

hey

18:38Sarah

hi! whats up

18:39Gabriel

despite the stupid ass faces you're making, you all look really pretty in your profile pics

pic*

18:39Sarah

hahaha, thank you!

thats very sweet coming from you

since normally you and max just beat me to the ground

18:40Gabriel

aw you love me you know you do

18:41Sarah

maybe

how are you?

18:41Gabriel

i'm good

feeling weird

you?

18:42Sarah

why weird?

i'm alright

18:43Gabriel

why just alright?

18:43Sarah

i dont know.. i have just been thinking about things

18:43Gabriel

tlk to me babe

18:43Sarah

college and changes and growing up

and everything came so soon.. like everyone is leaving next year. and it's going to be difficult to adjust again, and even though it may be amazing i'm still going to miss high school i think

and seeing everyone

18:44Gabriel

mm

is it cuz 4th quarter just started?

18:45Sarah

no

i have been thinking this for a while now

i'm just sad that its all over

18:46Gabriel

nothing ever ends, love

18:46Sarah

explain

18:46Gabriel

i know that's not sound advice, but trust me when i tell you that this life you live, this life you love can never escape you so long as you never let go of its memory

and more importantly, if you never let go of how these memories make you feel

at the same time tho, the change is inevitable. it will come no matter what and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

18:47Sarah

but i dont want just memories.. i want to keep this

that's true

18:47Gabriel

what's the difference? your memories can be just as beautiful as the moments coming in real time

if anything

they can be even more beautiful

18:48Sarah

wow

that is so true

thank you

18:48Gabriel

as days go on and you hold onto the beautiful things that have happened, you can learn to appreciate them more, making them mean more to you

18:48Sarah

i guess i just see my future looming in the distance, because i can't control it, and i can't see it being better than anything is right now.. but that is just because i'm unsure of it

that is amazing advice.

but i need to look at it positively and let my life be lived

18:49Gabriel

exactly

don't worry about what will happen

worry about what is happening

love

what is happening

love it furiously and without hesitation or consequence

and learn

to love the memory

just as furiously as you love the moment

don't live in the past, and don't live in the future. neither will provide comfort

instead, live now with each passing pulse

cherish it

and take it with as you march forward to the horizon

Millstone

I like different life philosophies. Someone told me once that I was too young to have a philosophy that meant anything. I promptly told them to fuck off. Every experience that I have, every person I meet, every pulse of my heart is etching another mark into the stone, allowing me to learn something new. Any philosophy I follow comes from this belief.

What is odd is how different the philosophy I have currently adopted is from my past ideas. Tis as follows:

Highway System

My life is a single edifice. Four walls. A roof. A floor. On this landscape around me are billions of other buildings. With each experience I go through, I expand my edifice, building stories with each lesson learned. Around me and between the other buildings and I are highways. Lots and lots of highways. These highways run with cars and bikes and people and energy every day and every night without end or consequence. This highway system is life. This highway system is not my life, not your life, but life in general. My edifice, while encased within the system, is independent of the system. And, when time breaks down my building to dust, when I am nothing but a parking lot..... It won't matter. The highways around me will still run fast as if I never existed. My name will be etched in a granite slab. Nothing more and nothing less will be left behind. Those who loved me will see the granite slab, remember me hopefully, and the continue on building their structures to reach the heavens above. I could never want more than that.

One of my favorite movies called Memento has a quote: "The world doesn't disappear every time you close your eyes."

My life is inconsequential and my being is nothing but an insignificant speck in this universe. This does not scare me. It instead comforts me. I find solace in the knowledge that life will continue in spite of me and that this world is so much bigger than me.

I'm twisting

enveloping into myself

i am a fucking trainwreck in slowmotion

moving frames per second

in the caverns of your burning eyes

i can be whatever you want me to be

i can bend to your will

you just have to bleed fuel for me

find yourself in the dark

midnight sex made to be something cheap

made to be something bleak

made to be bright but not too beautiful

take the veil off the curtains

hugging the walls like jeans on drowned men

burn

burn

burn

I'm probably going to burn this in the end

just to prove a point to you and your majesty

Metallica

I really like Metallica. I liked Metallica before I considered metal a worthy genre. Someone told me they hated them because of the perfect 4:4 timing and the cyclic riffs. I think this is why I like it. It's perfect musical construction. It's fast. It's well written and well played. And, their best songs ALWAYS have a message.

Listen to these

Creeping Death - Ride the Lightning - about the Angel of Death, and the final plague over Egypt; inspired by the very old movie "The Ten Comandments."

Nothing Else Matters - Black Album

Ride the Lightning -Ride the Lightning - written to be seen as the final thoughts of a mentally insane death row criminal right before death.

Disposable Heroes - Master of Puppets - written about soldiers and how it effects them

One - And Justice For All... - written about Johnny Got His Gun; also written about how war effects soldiers.

Master of Puppets - Master of Puppets - written about how drugs can manipulate someone. Arguably about being a slave to control.